Forensics Top Ten Lists
By Brianna Abate, COD Forensics

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY HAVE AN EXPEMP FETISH
10)You are never seen without a legal pad.
9)You have added pinstripes to all your jeans and khakis.
8)You carry heavy boxes of paper, just for fun.
7)When you make fun of someone, you refer to them as an interper.
6)Your room is wall-papered with political cartoons.
5)You refer to your Congressmen as 'chums'.
4)You would support a bill requiring all college students to carry a leather briefcase and matching pen set.
3)You have a color preference when it comes to hanging-file folders.
2)You have mastered the art of hiding a note card in your sleeve.
1)When people ask your name, you site your birth certificate.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE A CLOSET INTERPER
10)When telling a story, you change stance every other line.
9)When you talk to your friends, you don't make eye-contact. Instead, you pretend you are looking in a mirror.
8)You think Alan Greenspan was the drummer in Crosby, Stills and Nash.
7)Your hair is too long and your skirt is too short. (This goes for men AND women.)
6)You think VA stands are primitive clothing racks.
5)You are always in search of the most effective way to convince people you are as dumb as you look.
4)You are the only member of your team who doesn't own a blue pinstripe suit.
3)You are often mistaken for being schizophrenic.
2)While you are deciding whether to go Chinese or Italian, your friends are deciding whether to go bi or gay.
1)Your book has a pet name.

TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S TIME TO CHOOSE A NEW TOPIC
10)Your most credible source comes in a paper wrapper.
9)Your coach is familiar with your topic, but only because he did it.
8)You've turned your high school DI into a persuasion and hope no one will notice.
7)Your topic idea is older than your model.
6)All of the web-sites you found information at required and Adult Check password.
5)The FBI suddenly shows up at your house to 'see how things are going'.
4) If the president of your school were to learn of your topic, he'd cut your funding.
3)When you tell your parents about your idea, they leave the room.
2)Even Hustler wouldn't print your speech.
1)When you try to download a picture for your VA, it requires a credit card number.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE DESTINED TO BE A PUBLIC SPEAKER
10)Whenever someone meets you, they always say "Wow! You sure talks good!"
9)You find it impossible to make it through he day without explaining the whole who vs. whom debate.
8)Speech professors come to you for lesson planning.
7)Your sentences start with phrases like: "In the most recent journal of communication...".
6)Your normal vocabulary utilizes words like juxtaposition, radical rhetoric, dialetical enjoinment, and discourse.
5)You always carry a pocket pointer with you.
4)You don't understand how high school competition exists without VA stands.
3)Without a dictionary, you know the definitions to paradigmatic, epideictic, admonition, and explicate.
2)You can call someone on a double negative and a dangling participle.
1)Your bedroom has a trapezoid worn into the carpet.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME IN YOUR TEAM ROOM
10)The calendar is always on a different page when you leave.
9)You know all the custodians by name.
8)The post office has re-routed your mail.
7)You are never without a five o'clock shadow.
6)You have worn an impression into your favorite chair.
5)When you don't show up to class, your professors know exactly where to look.
4)You have a change of clothes hidden in the extemp files.
3)You brought in your favorite inflatable chair to sleep on.
2)Your calls are being forwarded.
1)Your parents call the office to make sure you got home okay.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM FORENSICS BURN-OUT
10)You walk around muttering strange acronyms.
9)When your coach asks when the last time you went to class was, you ask him/her what semester it is.
8)When your parents ask what took so long to clean your room, your answer has two points and an attention getter.
7)When your professor asks you to discuss last nights reading, you site page numbers.
6)While remarking to one of your teammates how thankful you are to finally have some down-time before the next tournament, you suddenly realize you are on the van.
5)While down-loading future extemp files, you realize Penthouse Forum, pictures or no, isn't a credible source.
4)Just yesterday, you learned China was thinking of going communist.
3)You go into your team room for what you think is a few minutes, but when you leave, it's dark out.
2)While going over possible events with your coach, your realize a one-woman HDA isn't an option.
1)You wish forensics really did mean dead bodies.